who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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