Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
