In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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