oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
this is an emotional support booty call
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
