It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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