Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
