Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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