I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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