wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize