the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
