Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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