I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
