It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
