are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
