can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
