the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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