i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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