Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
