the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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