So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize