i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
