I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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