It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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