3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
