My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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