Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
