i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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