Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
