; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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