maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
