ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
