if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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