it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The Olympian is in my bed
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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