did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize