you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
