I skipped work to stalk him.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
