Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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