i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
