brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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