Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
