whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
