Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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