Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
