I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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