I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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