i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
