I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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