he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize