After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
