all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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