I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
