You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
