I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
