On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
