Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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