I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
