You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
