I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
