Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
